You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
