You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
he shaved USA in his pubs
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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