at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
