she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I don't deserve a penis
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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