this beer tastes like vomit already
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
