I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
