Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
