my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
