I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
