im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
