Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
