Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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