I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
