Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
