i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
