I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
