he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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