just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
