We named our party play list daddy issues
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
