Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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