party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
