i just sent this text using only my big toe
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
