you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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