so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
send nudes
from the living room?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
