I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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