Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
