i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
It was confusing and full of hummus
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
