i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
