You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
