so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
