He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
