i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
