This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
