I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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