Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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