i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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