I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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