We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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