I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
