Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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