I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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