Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Randomize
