She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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