I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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