2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
