Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
