I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
