Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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