Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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