Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
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