Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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