your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
