I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
