When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
