8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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