Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
