Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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