I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I checked into jail on foursquare
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
