I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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