10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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